I have to tell you at the beginning of this article that I, as a rule, am not a huge fan of the psychological profession. The entire profession is made up of faux illnesses, faux cures, and faux treatments that do as much to confuse situations as clear them. The greatest benefit of the profession is that it provides a forum where people can be heard...actually listened to. The healing power is in being heard and for many people, it is the first time in their life they are heard. One one end, it's whiny brats and entitlement personalities. On the other end it's Ted Bundy and Jeffry Dahmer. In the middle is where most of us are.
Care giving has many demands and requirements that come with it. One of the temptations as a family member/care giver is to take the vacant moments and start conversations about something that happened in the past. Since, as humans, the last thing we will give up is our own suffering, we have a virtual shopping cart of slights and annoyances that we want scanned before the great checkout occurs. I think all of that is a huge waste of time for everyone involved. The psychologists would call it "closure". It's as if we can take all the moments when we weren't aligned with someone and bring them back out to be examined, all of a sudden, everything about the past, present, and future would suddenly be made right.
It's not the analysis of the past that reconciles us. It is the actions of the present. It is also the thoughts about the future. Those actions and those thoughts provide more positive energy than a complete resolution of the day by day things that occurred as we were growing and developing. The rearview mirror in your automobile is, as a rule, 1/10th the size of the front windshield. There's a message there that we should spend about 90% of our time focusing on where we are going and 10% of our time focusing on where we've been.
As I write this, I am recovering from brain surgery to remove a malignant right frontal lobe tumor called a GlioBlastoma. It was about the size of a lemon and was causing swelling deep inside the brain. Without going into detail, let's just say if you had your choices of tumors, this one would not be one to pick. But alas and alack, the tumors pick us and not vice versa. The prognosis is not good if you believe the experts and is absolutely positive if you believe the determined. Since I like it here and have some important work to finish, I'm going to stay until I'm ready.
My reaction to the news is that it affirms that my focus on the present and the future as opposed to the past in all of my actions and relationships has not been a bad one. Even as the stream of visitors came through my hospital room we limited the talk about the tumor to not more than about 3 minutes. The rest of the time was focused on their future, my future, and my future with them. Having conversations like that changes the energy in the room and the perspective on what's possible...for everyone.
Even with this diagnosis I have no real need to go back and rework, rethink, redo, anything. For the most part I made amends as I went along and apologies when necessary. I tried not to miss too many opportunities to be grateful and appreciative. If I did, I can't remember them now anyway. What I'm focused on now is how to take the message of Parent Care out into the world and help a generation get ready to do what the Government has misled us about what it can do. My sense is that if we become a nation of care givers what we get as a strategic by product is the change in attitude and direction that is so vital for us to continue as a country. It would be a great opportunity for transformation.
So, check your rearview mirror if you find yourself having to back up a little or your past getting to close. If you keep focused on where you are and where you want to be, all that stuff in the rearview sort of takes care of itself.
