As I travel around the country or am on media outlets talking about this whole Parent Care thing I am constantly aware of a melody line that runs through almost every conversation, no matter what the section of the country that I am in on the lack of accountability and responsibility that family members have to show up and support their aging parents. Inevitably, there is a lead child that shoulders all the responsibility with great stress and inhuman demands on resources of time and money.
The issue isn't a lack of resources with most folks...it's simply a lack of will to step in and be responsible for easing the burden. A lack of will, a lack of awareness, and a personal unwillingness to acknowledge the responsibility they have are the truthful things behind the lack of committment. There are of course the usual suspects in terms of why this can't be done: No time, no money, no ability, no skill, no back up. All "the dog ate my homework" equivalent of no accountability and responsibility. It is selfishness at a level that it almost incomprehensible. No wonder that families fight after parents die. It's a wonder they even talk when they are dying.
If you are in a family and not the only child, here's what I think you have to get a grip on really quickly in the 21st Century: For the most part, you will not have the support, money, or structures to take care of your aging parents the way that your parents did. Barack, for all of his bluster, will not be able to redesign the resources of the country to shift the financial and structural responsibility from you to society as a whole. A couple of reasons for this actually: There isn't that much money available to do that and there aren't enough care givers. Your future parent care money just went to Detroit for them to design electric cars that no one wants and to subsidize Union workers that no one likes. So, unless you can fit a bed and bath inside one of the new electric cars, other options need to be considered.
Pay attention here: You and your family are on their own. If you don't have support from your siblings, then you are on your own. If your parents don't have your support, then they are on their own.
How do you get people to step up inside a family? First of all, understand that everyone won't. I don't understand this but they simply will not. Call it a lack of character, fortitude, motivation, or desire, but some family members are all show and no dough. In order to find out where they stand and you stand you have to ask them two simple questions and wait for the answer:
1. How much can you or are you willing to take out of your budget to help support them financially?
2. How much time can you committ to helping if you don't have the money?
The answer to these two questions by your siblings tells you whether you will have the support or just the irritating opinions on what you should be doing. My philosophy with my siblings ( who by the way, did NOTHING to help) was simply this: If you can't send a check or lend a hand, you lose your opinion rights. Opinions without checks or hands are just the equivalent of noise. Tune the noise and the sender out. Switch channels over to the "There's nothing I won't do to help You" channel.
Someone has to take the lead and take the flack for taking the lead. You have a duty, responsibility, and requirement to take care of your parents. It isn't anyone's responsibility but yours and your family members. Make them show up, grow up, soldier up, and put up whatever they have to in order to help you.
If not, tell them to stay out of all it while you do.
