http://www.parentcaresolution.comParent Care Solutions  One of the great things about blogs if that if people read them they also tell you when you should be writing more ( or less) sometimes.  I took the last few days off to catch up on my own inspiration and to just see if anyone missed reading me but me.  I'm pleased to report that I got refreshed and was missed at the same time.  Pretty good feedback. The thing to remember is that you need time off from care giving.  There might be some guilt associated with it or perhaps some anxiety, but you have to take time off to recharge and be able to bring new energy to the situation.  If you don't , everything suffers over a while.  From time to time, even on the daily inspiration on this site, I may take some time off.  I won't be gone forever but I will be gone for a while.  I promise I"ll make up the thoughts later on but recharging is high on the agenda these days. As you go through the Thanksgiving Season this year, don't stretch yourself to exhaustion.  People need your energy and enthusiasm and focus.  Eat Turkey or rabbit or deer or water buffalo or whatever it is you celebrate abundance with but RELAX. Thanks for giving me some slack in in this area.  I'm back, refreshed, and ready to go.11/21/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=668  One of the things I've noticed over the years is the impossibility of meeting the ideal expectations of the holidays.  If one isn't careful, the desire for the 'perfect" overwhelms the ability to do the practical.  We apply that 'ideal' standard to both our memories of holidays past and out desired experience of the present one.  The net result can be a huge feeling of disappointment for everyone.   I think that every family wishes at some point that it had a better past or at least a different one and the holidays trigger that.  So instead of having a DVR of "Father Knows Best" to play back, when we do the holiday memory search, it comes up looking more like "Psycho 2". I have a better idea on how to handle all this for families who are caring for parents during the holidays:  Just be thankful and express that to folks around you.  In retrospect, we all have things we wish we had done differently or better but the truth is we didn't.  But we all have moments when we did great things.  So, let's make the moment the moment during the holidays and make it the moment we celebrate. Just to have a parent alive is a cause for celebration.  I would give the last five years of my life to hear my dad tell a few of his stories live and unplugged.  I would also like to be able to put him in my car and ride him through the countryside.  I even would like to hear him say that I spend too much money on pretty things and not on necessary ones.  (All this coming from a machinist on the railroad. Practical, not pretty is the mantra with those guys:)  With my dad, you could never save to much or spend too little.  Be thankful for the food.  In America, we will have more leftovers after Thanksgiving than the vast majority of the world has for a main course.  And we will throw them out after a while simply to make room for other leftovers.  Find a way to use the food to it's highest purpose:  eat it yourself, give it to a neighbor, the food bank, or the kennel but leverage its energy and ability to fuel your ambitions.. Be thankful for a warm house, a mortgage you can pay, a car that starts, water that runs, and toilets that flush.  99% of the world is trying to get to that level as their lifetime aspiration and most of us awake to that as just table stakes each and every morning.  If you think those things are the norm, get up at 4 am one morning and try to find a bush to go to the bathroom behind in your neighborhood.  Not impossible, but challenging. If you have animals who love you, love them back.  Put their face in your hands and just tell them you are thankful for them.  I love animals because they don't feel sorry for themselves.  They just take it, no matter what happens and love you back no matter what you do or don't do. I fell asleep the other night on the couch downstairs and awoke about 2 in the morning.  My three dogs, Zack (chocolate lab-college frat  guy personality), Roxanne(black lab-middle child syndome) and Pearl (white labradoodle-cross between Bette Midler and Richard Simmons) were all curled up near me on the floor or at the end of the couch.  I listened to them breathing and thought if there is a Heaven, it sure doesn't get better than this. And even if it does, if they aren't there, I'm not going. Just tell the people around you that you love them and are grateful for them. Hold them and hug them like there was no tomorrow.  There are very few chances to do first things again in life. Just stop, breathe through your nose, and tell the person beside you that you care about them and that they and their future are incredibly important. for you to be a par Then go stuff your face like there was no tomorrow..     11/21/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=669  What we are beginning to observe in the health care debate in the country is that  (a) no system is so completely fouled that it needs to be completely reinvented and (b) asking people what they want instead of telling them what they are going to get is lots more persuasive for action. As people age, we tend to start believing linear thought patterns.  The fact of the matter is that illness, whether it be Alzheimer's, incontinence, impotence, or just stumbling around is rarely a straight line extrapolation experience.  Diseases go forward and they spring back and sometimes they just stay like they are for a while.  In the next world perhaps we find out why and how they do this but in this world we just have to be content with the observation and experience that they do.  Frustrating but that's the deal. People, our parents, other older folks are here until they are not and each day brings a new revelation about why those cases are what they are.  As many of you know, almost a year ago I was diagnosed and operated on for a malignant glioblastoma stage 4 brain tumor.... a bleak diagnosis and experience  for anyone.   I should've been dead according to the stats almost 6 months ago.  My docs don't understand it but I suspect are silently betting that the stats will win out over the long term.  If that bet were in Vegas, they would be washing dishes to pay it out. My goal in life is to prove them wrong.  I've done that a lot  in life. The battlefield of my life is littered with bodies of my competitors who thought shorting me and my  ability to survive whatever it is we were all experiencing at the time.  Part of that survival was due to the thoughts, prayers, and energy my group of community supporters sent.  The other part is just do to plain stubbornness and a huge desire to live and accomplish. Your goal as a care giver: Create an atmosphere of expanding possiblities for learning, growth, and progress for the one you are caring for.  You'll believe in theirs and they will beiieve in theirs.   How cool is that? RESOLVE as a care giver that you will cheer, encourage, and inspire even when you can't see as clearly as you would like.  11/3/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=667  Whining about unfairness is it's own lifetime punishment.  We get up in the morning as care givers and think that somehow we should've escaped all this because we are special, unique, different, or just "chosen".  Most of that is malarkey, driven by ego-centric views of our importance in the world and a belief about what we should endure versus what we shouldn't. Here's a thought:  Take care of your parents the way they took care of you.  Stop looking for the help from family, the calvary, or the government.  They aren't coming.  If it is to be, it is up to you.  The care giving responsibilities don't last forever but the benefits from being a good care giver can. Find a way to be grateful.  Translate the gratefulness into an awareness of something you can articulate and learn from.  Then create something that people can use after you are gone. "The Daily Inspiration" you are reading is my creation to help those care givers that are struggling with the emotional, financial, spiritual, of every day care giving life.  I write them to remind me that I had nothing like this and would've paid for it gladly. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will find a way to be thankful each day no matter what the situation.10/26/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=666  One of the keys to energy in care giving is simply to try and stay grateful.  Positive is a little bit more challenging and from moment to moment involves a sort of faux excitement about the moment.  Positive, in some ways, forces you to appreciate the fact that your leg wasn't broken in the car wreck that totaled your vehicle. Not an impossible position but a little more work. Grateful is much easier.  Grateful just lets you acknowledge that something is happening to you that increases your learning, growth, and progress in life.  Each episode in care giving has an opportunity to expand those areas.  When I was taking care of my father, it seemed like I was in the most intense classroom on the planet for about two years.  I had to learn language, words, systems, processes that would affect his life and mine for years to come. When you feel overwhelmed in the care giving process, just pause for a moment, breathe through your nose, and start writing down what you've become by going through all of this.  The process will seem awkward at firsts, but becomes easier and a bit of a habit after awhile.  Being grateful and appreciative are two sides of the same coin. RESOLVE  as a care giver that you will allow appreciation for what you have gone through to shape and direct your path.  10/24/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=665  Part of the stress that comes from taking care of aging parents is this notion of the "ideal" situation.  In other words, there's a combination of fate, time, circumstance, facts, and participants, that more or less make every day's efforts excellent. (and perfect in their execution)  The problem with that standard is that nothing in our past supports that belief and nothing in future purports to make it more true. For the most part, care giving is worked out like our own revelation and salvation:  in personal striving, fear, and trembling.  Some days, it's 100 steps forward and no steps back.  Other days, it's the reverse.  The goal here is to accumulate an anthology of more or less successes and evaluate what's happened on a longer term basis. With a context of progress, the care giving thing is so much easier.  With a standard of perfection each day, it's a prescription for madness. As I recall the time of taking care of my dad, it got to be pretty simple:  Have a simple plan ( half a dozen things or so that you can do), work that plan as much as possible each day, and let the rest go with gratitude and collaboration.  The stress goes way down, blood pressure drops, and you are not continually in this feeling of lack or inadequacy.  Besides, it's good practice for telling someone how you want to be treated. RESOLVE as a caregiver that you will set realistic standards for yourself and the one you are caring for.10/22/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=664  In a world like the United States where it seems like everything good or bad is sooner or later hyperbole, it's easy to discount the effect that small acts of kindness can have.  We tend to want fireworks displays and laser light shows and awards ceremonies for simple things like fluffing pillows. In care giving, the smallest things have sometimes the greatest impact.  One needs only to lie on a twisted sheet for an hour or so before the relief that comes from it being straightened out feels like a fall festival of pleasure.  My experience with people who are homebound with their care giving is that just sitting with them, talking, reading, listening to their favorite music, petting the dog or cat, or sharing a meal  is worth more than one might know. The biggest battle in growing older and growing sicker and older is being alone and growing sicker and older.  Older can be its own form of solitary confinement without the hope that the random acts of kindness bring above.  Each one of those acts above validates not only the present worth of the one you are caring for but their future as well. RESOLVE as a care giver that the lesson you will learn from your work is that kindness is a noble goal and a pure outcome for both you and the one you are caring for.10/21/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=663  I like the toughness that's in older people.  It's almost as if they've seen it all, heard it all, experienced it all, know what's coming and still show up every day.  You see this in care centers around the country.  In the face of what would see to be insurmountable odds and difficulties, older people cling to life as if it were,.....really important.  In fact, they are examples of what striving should be....at least the ones who don't complain all the time. Life is fairly important.  Just ask anyone who looks like they're coming to the end of theirs.   The ones who have a "why" to live find a way to deal with almost any "how".  Even when family and friends stop coming by, when it's harder to ambulate, to communicate,, or to connect, those with a great sense of purpose and a set of clear focal points find a way to make literally a heaven out of what other people would call hell.  Cheer the one you are caring for on.  A trip to the bathroom unaided.  Remembering a name.  Reading something and talking about it.  Finishing a popsicle stick craft project.  All progress is progress no matter how small.  We are all here until we are not...so celebrate the tenacity and the fortitude that it takes to be here with the one you are caring for. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will be the biggest supporter of the one you are caring for.10/19/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=662  When a family has to start taking care of parents together or on a partitioned basis, the standards for what is appropriate start to flow in across the board.  On one extreme is something near the ideal where everything works all the time.  On the other extreme is something way less than that.  The stress, as in many things, lies often in the middle. After a while of taking care of my father, I realized that my three siblings could not or would not be able to help for a variety of reasons.  What I had to do was reconcile that there was only so much that I could do time wise and money wise and that consistency and continuity were more important than grandiosity and the ideal.   It was the reversion to practicality that let me maintain balance, perspective, and keep my vision of what was really important for him. What I found out after a while was that simply visiting or talking every day, spending some additional time on the weekends, taking him for drives, reading, or just looking at pictures of the our family ( he had Alzheimer's) actually created a type of Four Seasons experience. Doing those things consistently actually created a sense of continuity that was both manageable, desireable, and guilt free for both me and my dad.  He came to expect certain things and I came to believe that I could do them pretty consistently.  My great friend, Dan Sullivan, (www.strategiccoach.com) has four rules in his business life that apply directly to care giving while you try to figure out what you are going to do: 1. Show up on time 2. Do what you say you are going to do. 3. Follow through 4. Say "Please and Thank You" Not bad rules until you can formulate your own.  10/18/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=660  What if at the end of our lives we got a glimpse of what all the learning, growth, and progress, experiences were really for?  What if we had that insight when we were going through those experiences instead of having to wait until the end for the revelation?  One of my great friends asked me the other day what I thought it would be like like to make the transition from this experience to the next one.    Since I have been transforming a case of cancer this year, that subject was not altogether foreign to my thinking.  Uncharacteristically, I didn't give a quick, quip, answer but thought for at least ten seconds, and then said: "You know, I think after the transition (the illusion of death and dying), I think we'll look up and say: "Wow, so that's what all that was about.  Wish I would've known sooner".  The real question is what would we have done differently? I think that care giving for parents, children, our animals, and our friends, gives us a glimpse of what we could be doing all along:  just watching over and looking out for each other. Once you sort of see that, making the current course additions or corrections becomes easier. RESOLVE as a care giver that you will use this experience to teach you what you missed along the way in terms of compassion, conversation, community, and connection.10/16/2009http://www.parentcaresolution.com/comments.asp?id=659